Tuesday, March 27, 2007

fuck me

Today I came to a really scary realization, I want to be saved. Despite all the strong female characters I love and admire, I am a silly girl that wants someone to swoop in and take care of things for me.
I also know that this is never going to happen. And if anything is going to happen in my life, I have to do things for myself.
I am so damn tired of having jobs that I really hate. And I just accepted a position at a job that is a little weird (I'll post on that one when I quit). But it feels like a never ending shit eating gig that I have to put up with to pay bills. I live under a mountain of bad credit and it is sucking my soul away.
What I need is a plan that I stick to to get out of debt and do whatever the fuck I want. I don't have kids or a significant other to drag me down (or to hold me up). My future is mine and mine alone.
I need to see the endgame somewhere in the horizon, because things cannot go on this way. As it is I hate everyone and everything that has to do with employers and employment. I hate that you have to sell to keep a job, or that in California they can fire you without any notice. I want some kind of safety net, that there will be days when my shit eating grin is tarnished and they won't be able to hold it against me.
I'm tired, so this all seems like I'm a lazy asshole who doesn't like to work.
I want to work, and I like to work hard. But I don't want to work in a place that I don't believe in just because I need income desperately. I hate the choices I have to make so that my life and my future doesn't fall apart completely.
I have to save myself.

Or This could be me...

No comments: